“CHIRON is the teacher of the Earth connection to higher planes and the planetary sighting indicates the time has come for us to manifest our divinity.”
Barbara Hand Clow
I take great pleasure in sharing this introspection, this part of myself. 2016 was a year of spiritual discovery. One of the ways I’ve done that has been the exploration of my natal and progressed astrology. The lesser known influences, Pallas, Juno, Part of Fortune, Ceres, Vesta, Lilith, and Chiron.
I got three tattoos this year during my journey. The first one was a double infinity symbol on my wrist to represent my life path number of “8,” a number ruled by Saturn, who is also the co-ruler of my natal chart (along with Uranus).
In honor of all the research I’ve done on the influence of Lilith, when I went on a trip to New Hope with my soul friend and fellow Aquarian, Vynessa, I decided to get a Lilith tattoo.
A month later I learned about the significance of Revolutionary Pluto in Scorpio in my 9th house and got a Scorpio tattoo. The guy who tattooed me, incidentally, was a Scorpio.
My most recent tattoo, on my left forearm, is a composite of Fire, Air, Water, Earth elements. When I flip it up towards me I see Fire and Air, when my arm is resting the tattoo becomes Water and Earth. The only other element to get would be Aether.
Chiron has been the lesser influence I’ve been drawn to the most:
Chiron was wounded himself, and despite his great skills, he never healed. He symbolizes everyone who finds their strength through their suffering. Everyone gets wounded in some manner. Whatever our wounds are, Chiron influences us to overcome our condition and go on. Like Chiron, we may find that in healing others we gain some insight and salvation even though we are unable to fully heal ourselves.
From Always Astrology
My Chiron is in the sign of Gemini in the 4th House
CHIRON IN GEMINI – indicates “a personal crisis about integration here on Earth, which affects balance and the nervous system greatly. [You] are highly attuned to the consciousness of individuals around [you] and to mass awareness.” You are a natural teacher and communicator. Richard Nolle stated: “Awareness is the keynote for persons born under this CHIRON sign, whose prime existential mission is to understand the way we think in order to effect changes in our mental realities.” Your Soul intends that you learn our thoughts create our reality. Therefore, we can change our reality with our thoughts. Self-discipline is essential in achieving balance as you are innately attuned to the sudden changes that Uranus can bring. Change for change’s sake accomplishes little, or nothing, of significance—thus the need for self-discipline.
CHIRON IN THE 4TH HOUSE – signifies the “deepest healing of self will come from a connection with roots.” Discovering who you are is based upon knowledge of your roots. Your true roots are within the Oneness of All. You can be “intense, brooding, deep, and often nervous”—resulting in disturbing those around you. The 4th house relates to your family-of-origin and the family you create. You may have suffered during childhood and felt misunderstand. Now, you may tend to carry childhood traumas into the family you create. As you heal yourself, you will begin the healing process of those around you. As a result of your suffering, you feel deep compassion for the pain of others.
From Pathway to Ascension
When I was young I rarely got a chance to hang out with my dad. When I did I always wanted to impress him. I wanted him to think I was special. What happened instead was I always searched for the most perfect things to say and froze up when it was time for us to get together. The result was I rarely spoke around him.
It never stopped–when I would briefly see him even into my 20’s I wouldn’t be able to express myself around him. It can be hard for me to communicate sometimes because I’ve internalized those feelings for so long. There was an impenetrable force separating me from being understood by my father. Mainly, I think it was because he had his own issues with manifesting who he wanted to be.
There were two ways I ever hung out with my dad: watching Star Trek or being pawned off on someone else. The few scenarios we hung out for a full day something traumatic usually happened; being a passenger in the car while he was drunk, getting in car accidents, walking into the middle of a highway, floating in a deflated raft down the Delaware River.
I remember being my grandfather’s Chevy 1500, my grandmother was about to start driving, my dad was going with us somewhere. Gram said, “Robin, you need to put a seat belt on her.” My dad said, “She’s 6! She doesn’t need a seat belt.” This experience and more taught me to advocate for my own safety, and that’s helped me through my life.
The few times he was tasked with standing up for me he didn’t. My teacher in 5th grade was a well-known local football coach. He was classist, sexist, and abusive. I thought my dad was going to tell him off and save me from him. He came over my paternal grandfather’s house, where we were living at the time, and looked at me and said, “I guess you’ll have to deal with it.” He was almost laughing at me. I went through puberty that year.
Sometimes I would meet people around who knew my father and they would say “I never knew he had a daughter.”
It remains one of the major oddities of my life. No matter how I asserted myself, he never acknowledged me.
I remember he did show up at my college graduation and left early. He could never be happy for me. Misogyny and narcissistic neglect were the signposts of our relationship. But I believe there are systems which molded this attitude in him. Individuals are only so culpable.
The only way I’ve gotten over the wounds of my father was by many years of public performance and teaching. There are still times when I feel I’m not being clear enough, but I keep working on it. So now my job is to teach people how to communicate and give them avenues to do this.
At 10 I started my dance career with Roger, who died this year, my new father figure, an incredible man, an openly queer man, who never apologized for being himself. In high school I took up performing arts and made myself push through anxiety to get up on stage. When I was 18 I went through training to become an aerobics instructor, which I did from ages 19-21. Then I was a personal trainer, a tutor, a college professor, poet, community organizer.
My father’s antagonism pushed me. In that sense, I am grateful for him and all he’s done.
Because my North Node is in Aries and my South Node is in Libra, I have a feeling in a past life my Libra energy probably made me the type of person who was behind the scenes, keeping someone else balanced and strong so they could partake in publics. This makes sense given women’s historical positions of backing up men so they could have the floor; men taking credit for women’s intellectual work.
I feel this when I get paranoid about someone taking credit for my work. There is a deep need in this life to assert “No, I did that.”
When I started to enter into amorous situations I was uncomfortable with not being able to express and present myself the way I saw myself. I’d get into these dating situations thinking “Well how’s this going to work?” This was another obstacle in my life, and it’s still difficult to trust.
Because of the way I was around my father, shy, withdrawn, he used to imply there was something wrong with me (which I realize were always his own insecure projections). He did the same with my dog, Phoebe, who always became anxious when he was around. He said,”what’s wrong with her, she’s always anxious” and I was stressed that day, so “She’s fine, she just doesn’t like you” was what popped out of my mouth.
Phoebe getting car pets. She always had to be in the front seat.
People wouldn’t guess it now, but my instincts were to never to be seen. My instincts have always been to sink into the shadows and have philosophical thoughts and feelings there.
It has taken me a long time to believe asserting myself is right action. My natal Sun and Mercury are in the 12th house, which is considered a “weak placement.” I’ve found it indicates an investment in the collective–how to do what helps others before self.
I’m here to communicate and help others communicate.
One of my favorite quotes by Rumi is:
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
By dealing with our past wounds we can understand our life purpose and why we incarnated. I believe we incarnate in every life with agreements between other souls. There was a reason I have this life, why my father was my main antagonist.
Going into the New Year may we remember our purpose to help each other and heal the world by being beautifully ourselves.
The blonde alien to the left is me. These are my parents in ’88.